Yesterday, after ten months of maternity leave, I sat in the therapist's chair once again, ready to receive clients, listen, and try to help. I've always considered it an honour to sit here. I wanted to be a therapist even before I really knew what therapy was. I always thought there was something magical about the healing power of just talking about things. And once I finally started my own therapeutic journey during a particularly difficult bout of anxiety in the noughties, I was smitten. This chair can be the most difficult, uncomfortable place to sit at times, but it's my place, my home. I like it and it likes me.
So, what have I been doing for the last ten months? When I saw my last client back in April 2024, I was heavily pregnant and ready for a rest. I wanted to have a complete break from work and just focus on my family and my home. However, I had been feeling for a while that I was lacking resources when clients came to me with deeper philosophical concerns. I turned to Existential Therapy and Irving Yalom thinking I'd just read one book while I was too tired and heavy to do anything else. His approach goes where most therapists don't dare to go: death, solitude, and the meaning of life. I devoured every word of every book he ever wrote. I'm not sure how yet, but I think this experience has changed my practice forever.
Once I had been out of the game for a little while, I had a realization, I found that the distance allowed me to see things I couldn't see before. When I was working at the coalface I was too close, all I could see was the seam that we were digging into. I learned to zoom out, look at all the beautiful seams at once, discover patterns and reflect on them. I can't wait to get back to those clients to see if it can be helpful in our work.
Additionally, I was fortunate enough to have two incredible colleagues who looked after my clients for me. They were generous enough to include me in their work with these people, giving me a fresh perspective which I know will enrich my work with them and others. One of these conversations gradually morphed into a weekly supervision with a more experienced, much admired colleague and friend. We picked apart my clinical practice bit by bit in a way that should have felt threatening but never did owing to his kindness, honesty and humanity.
Leaving my clients in such capable hands was part of what allowed me to choose what my first year of being a parent to two children would look like, something that I think very few people get to do. I was able to experience enormous professional growth (albeit by accident), be with my younger son day and night for the first eight months of his life, accompany my elder son on his journey to becoming an incredible big brother, and even sometimes sleep a siesta after a particularly devastating night.
All this felt so revolutionary that I went back to my long suffering therapist to get my feet back on tierra firma. I've known her for so long now she feels like family. I always go back feeling like I don't have the energy for it but somehow the new shoots of personal growth start to appear and I feel excited and calm all at the same time knowing that I'm growing and that I'm capable of it.
Today has felt a bit like seeing old and dear friends after a long period of separation. Familiar, gratifying and wonderfully fun. There has been laughter, tears, tears of laughter and then more tears. And most importantly a strong feeling that I am sitting in exactly the right chair. I am seeing existing clients for now and I'll be taking on new clients gradually throughout the year as and when I have availability.
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