Back IN the game

My Argentine partner glanced at my phone a few months ago, saw that I had messages from unknown numbers, and said excitedly, "I see you're back on the game then". I smiled quizzically because in British English being "on the game" means working as a sex worker. It took me a minute to understand his mistake, and then we laughed the laugh of multicultural families everywhere about what a difference one little word can make.

So yes, I am back IN the game, working as a psychotherapist, just to be clear. The messages were from potential new clients, and I was about to face the challenge of being a working mother of two children. Now, six months on, and just after my first holiday, I felt like I should write something about it for anyone who is facing a changing family landscape.

But what to say? Not sleeping very much and working is terrible? Trying to balance your child or children's needs and desires with the realities of work is impossible? Keeping up with a baby's development is exhausting? Well, yes, that's all true, and as I dragged myself towards my first break since starting back I was starting to wonder, as I think many parents do, whether I was up to the job.

A few days in Tierra del Fuego and some more resting at home got me back on the straight and narrow though and I feel like I have learned some things that could be useful, so here they are:

Any change in a family is a big deal. Whether you're going from living alone to living with a partner, no children to one, from one to two, or from two to more, it's huge. Your relationship with your partner will change, your relationship with your other children will change, your relationship with the outside world will change. I was convinced that having a second child would be easier than adapting to the first. Fifteen months in I can say it's definitely different but easier is not a word I would use. It's not how many children you have that counts and it's OK to feel overwhelmed by the shift, whatever it looks like.

Having a break helps. A trusted mentor of mine said to me once, almost everything in psychotherapy is subjective, but some things are not negotiable - people need to eat, sleep, rest and exercise. Whether it's just sitting down with a cup of coffee, taking a nap or taking a holiday, you have to do it. If you don't your body will take a break whether it's convenient or not.

Therapy helps too. I would say that wouldn't I? In the past, therapists going to therapy was a bit of a taboo. Happily, thanks to some brave souls going public with their own mental health struggles, this is improving. This last year I've been in therapy every week without fail, it helps me to navigate the relational shifts in the family, share my worries about my children and voice the difficult things my hormones and the tiredness are making me think and feel.

Getting out and seeing people helps too! This year I've had three dinners out and been to one party (thank you @juancruzbri). My thirty-something self would have been horrified. I savored every mouthful of my one glass of champagne (breastfeeding) and danced until my feet hurt. Finally my partner reminded me that our children inexplicably get up at 6:30am and I reluctantly left about six hours before everyone else (in Argentina it's not a party unless you can get pastries from the bakery the next morning). I loved every minute. Scarcity apparently does increase value.

Remembering that things get easier, eventually. One afternoon at my son's football club one of the dads said flippantly that until you get to the second year of kinder garden everything is chaos. I found this strangely comforting, it helped me to accept the disorganization of now while looking forward to a realistic milestone.

During my undergraduate degree I read a book entitled Esto tambien Pasará, This too Shall Pass by Milena Busquets. I remember thinking that there was some magical wisdom in this beautiful title and I often remind my clients of this universal truth, because when you're facing something truly terrifying, whether it's your own internal landscape or real world events, the idea that it might last forever can feel unbearable. Never is this more true than it is with children. You're worried about tummy time - the pediatrician said five minutes a day, is she a sadist? Wait, was it five or fifteen minutes? Why can't I bear five minutes of my child's discomfort? What's wrong with me? Two weeks later you won't even remember a time when they couldn't hurl themselves off the bed with no warning. Tummy time is not even a distant memory.

And now for the things that don't help, or they didn't help me anyway.

Guilt. Guilt about not spending enough time with your children, guilt about not being present enough when you're with them, guilt about not seeing friends, guilt about not knowing anything about Montessori activities. If you're not careful it can get so that you feel guilty for doing something and not doing it at the same time! I think it was Will Young's therapist that said that guilt is "like putting sh*t on top of sh*t", excuse my French. She's right. If you can find a way to step away from it, do it.

Social media probably doesn't help, at least not in large doses. The algorithm knows what will grab your attention and hold it but it doesn't care if it makes you feel good or bad. The more I scroll the worse I feel. I compare myself to other working mothers, other therapists and I absorb negativity from people who are sharing their struggles. Don't get me wrong, I've had some positive experiences too, @yourbestiemisha makes me laugh out loud, @peaceful_barb helps me to stay strong and have good boundaries, I've learned so much about parenting from @attachmentnerd, and I can't help but smile when I find myself doing what the frog on @myeasytherapy is telling me to do! Having said that, deleting Instagram and Facebook from my phone was a game changer.

Finally, it's worth it! As far as I'm concerned, pretty much any parenting choice is fine by me. We're not all the same and there's no "one size fits all" solution to being a good parent. Personally, I love the variety that having my own business and being a mother gives me. I love leaving the house with a small handbag. I love speaking to adults all day. I love showing my children that their mum and dad are equal partners. I love spending my own money. And I also love coming home to my kids, reading the bedtime stories, finding out about their day, listening to their worries, singing the lullabies.

So, maybe you're looking at some other parent in your orbit and thinking that they are doing so much better than you are. They look more chic, maybe they don't even have stains on their clothes! They seem more together, their children behave better than your's. It's possible of course, but the most likely explanation is that you just don't know them that well yet.